Bedazzler Abuse.

Why yes, I did bedazzle a chicken soft taco.

No drawing this week, due to dodgeball injury. On the upside, I discovered you can bedazzle a beard.

Captain Morgan Vs. Admiral Nelson - The Final Battle

For years I've been debauching myself to the sweet taste of Captain Morgan Spiced rum. There was a point in my early 20's when I could recall the capn's back story verbatim from the back of the bottle. (Which is no longer on the bottle, but for those of you who don't remember, he was born to wealthy welsh merchant parents, & left home at a young age to pursue a life of adventure.)

Vodka had been kind to me, Whiskey and I have had some rough times, but the cap'n has never, never steered me wrong, sure, there's been some hijinks, shenanigans, and once he even got me deported, but we were always able to reconcile our differences. Then one day a new challenger appeared on the scene; Admiral Nelson. There was no doubt in my mind the admiral was intended to challenge the capn's spot in my heart as reigning champion of rums.

Appearance:

The bottle was similar, the rich amber color nearly indistinguishable, and more importantly, the mascots were similar, but maintained a stance of indisputable opposition. Yes, the admiral does technically outrank the captain, but that's of little consequence to your average rum drinker. You may notice, the captain has a sweet mustache, whereas the admiral has a jaunty eye patch. Yes, jaunty. If you'll look closely, you'll notice that both the captain and the admiral are wearing not one but TWO CAPES EACH. This makes it tough to call, but the Captain wins by a narrow margin for having racing stripes on his cape, and the good sense not to wear hot pants pirating.

Cost:

This time the Admiral comes up aces. The captain sells for about $13, whereas the Admiral retails for around $10 on average. At these prices neither one is even close to top shelf, and that $3 i save with the admiral equates to a whole lot of tacos. Never underestimate the value of a taco in the pocket.

Taste:

A taste test was clearly inappropriate, as I have always considered myself an uncultured savage. I have no taste for fine whiskey or fancy cigars. I don't appreciate a well cooked steak, or a slow-roasted joint of pulled pork. I smoke a pack a day, so now I mainly eat for texture, and most flavors are only a dim memory. Besides, its goddamn rum, and I'm there for the drunk...

The drunk:

The quality of "the drunk" is an abstract concept, and thus difficult to quantify. I decided to settle this the way any real man resolves a deep seated conflict, with a game of battleship. We briefly considered buying an actual battleship game, but we realized with all those little pieces, someone was bound to lose an eye, choke, or start a plastic fire. For safety, we went with www.sinkmybattleship.com. I was to represent the Captain, due to our longstanding association. My opponent, would be the Admirals Champion. After the sinking of two ships, things got hazy. The battle was eventful but sloppy, (as alcohol based challenges often are) and I regret to say that little is remembered. The Captain was the victor by a narrow margin, thereby forever sealing his fate as the king of all maritime rums.

The morning after:

After spending a night with both the captain and the admiral, I came to the same conclusion. They both leave you feeling like a bag of crushed assholes, although with the admiral, slightly more so.

Also, a barrel of dicks:

(Did you really think I'd spend all that time drawing captain Morgan with no potential for comedic payout?)

Real men hunt with their thumbs.

I've been spending an inordinate amount of time on the subject of lobsters as of late, but this time, I simply can't help myself. We found a lobster crane game in San Pedro. I've heard of this "holy grail of the claw-game world", but I never, ever, expected to see one north of the Mason Dixie line.

The "Love Maine Lobster" game was an opportunity too good to pass up. As a modern man, I am almost entirely removed from the food chain. Deep down, I always felt I was missing out, by not participating in the grand game of survival. I have never hunted and killed an animal to put in my mouth. I have never gutted a fish and cooked it over an open fire. I have never had to sort edible entrails from the inedible entrails. The closest I get to hunting or gathering is a drive-thru window. Now I have found myself with an opportunity to hunt like our ancestors, but utilizing the skills only a modern man could possess. This is hunting, hunting with a joystick.

After the first few rounds struggling with those wily clawed beasts, my knees began to shake. I was overcome by that glorious adrenaline rush, the "fight or flight" instinct. Usually that feeling only comes after 6 shots of whiskey, and realizing I've just said something terminally stupid to someone twice my size, who is totally pissed, and totally willing to beat my ass. I could'nt help but wonder if this is what my ancestors felt like, pearched abreast the prow of a hand carved canoe, gliding silently alongside an unsuspecting whale, harpoon in hand, poised to strike. Was this what it's like to stalk a lion through the parched African veldt, only a small carefully fashioned spear standing between certain death and glory? Was this what Lee Harvey Oswald felt like in that book depoitory, rifle gripped tightly in sweaty palms, waiting for that fateful motorade? I may never know for certain, but it was probably as close as I will ever come.

It took me about $30 to figure out the basics, and I never did get one all the way out of the tank, but the experience has changed me forever.

Hunting with a joystick;

finer points of the lobster crane game

Step 1: Select your opponent.

It is vital that you choose carefully. The lobsters at the bottom of the tank are often lethargic and apathetic. There may not be much fight left in them, and their cowardice will taint the sweet taste of victory. The lobsters closer to the top of the tank often have more fight in them, you will notice an intense desire to survive at any and all costs. Fortunately, this is delicious. Keep an eye out for battle scars, like dented carapaces, mangled antennae, and missing limbs. This indicates the lobsters been in the tank a while, and knows the ropes of the game, making them more likely to be considered worthy of your brutal affections.

Step 2: Name your opponent

Any worthy adversary is deserving of a name. If you name your waffles, breakfast is no longer a meal, it's a victory. This holds true for breakfast, lunch, and if your lucky, dinner. There are no predetermined lobster naming conventions, but thus far I have stuck strictly to names from Knights of the Round Table. To date I have done battle with Sir Lancelot, The Green Knight, and Sir Galahad.

Step 3: Engage

The battle will be long, expensive, and taxing, both emotionally and physically. You will not win. Crane games are rigged, ALL crane games are rigged. This makes the experience marginally less fun. You should be absolutely certain to poke and prod your advesary as much as possible, this will irrate him. There is no shame in this. The lobster will tire as the fight rages on. In the event you should emerge victorious:

Step 4: Enjoy the spoils of war

After the lobsters is in the drop chute, your part is done. Let the cooks deal with it. If you have the culinary prowess to prepare your own lobster, you should'nt be hunting with a joystick anyways.

Manatee BBQ

A long while ago, I found a great article about eating manatee. Ever since, the idea has been ruminating, and now I too lust for succulent manatee.

Perhaps the real reason certain species are endangered, is not because they are inept in the arena of survival, but because they are simply too delicious? Are bald eagles the "creme de la creme" of edible aviaries? Could free-range bamboo-fed panda meat put the finest foi gras to shame? Dare I say it, could a honey smoked ocelot outshine the simple majesty that is commonly known as bacon? Someday, I will know. Someday

Coincidentally, last week I discovered you can buy mutilated manatee fine art prints online. Thank you, internets!

Snack beard, and the mustache vending machine.

  I went in search of Long John Silvers Lobster bites, and something magical happened.  The first LJS we went to was conjoined with a KFC.  Typically when you fuse seafood and chicken, their powers combined are vastly superior to any one singular restaurant, but not in this case.  The seafood part was shut down, because; "the machine that keeps the fish hot don't work."  Usually this would send me into a seething and frothing salt & vinegar rage, but not today.  There tucked away innocuously in that antiquated, grease encrusted lobby, I discovered, A MUSTACHE VENDING MACHINE.

      That's right, for only fifty cents a go, I could "Look Cool" with a state of the art Burt Reynold-esqe facial toupee.  I was just two paltry coins away from noncommittal facial hair.  I could now posses the respect and glamor afforded only to those brave few men committed enough to groom and maintain their facial topiaries.

I tried growing my own once.  Oh yes, I tried, tried and failed.  Quite simply, I got tired of getting weird shit stuck in my mustache.  The term "soup strainer" is well deserved, that's why I settled on "the Wolverine".  It minimizes "snack beard" while maximizing facial coverage.  Nonetheless, I often find myself with unexpected treats hiding in my beard.  

EDIT 4/10/09: 

I found the mustaches come in a variety of color and styles.  It has also just occurred to me that with a ready supply of mustaches, I have the ability to instantly transform household items from "drab" to "dapper".

The mustache menagerie

Bam! Dapper salt shaker!

Bam! Dapper teapot!

The most useful tattoo?

After last weeks harrowing lobster debacle, (yes there was tears, and it was delicious, I will post pictures next week) I've harnessed my grief, and attempted to move on by focusing my attention elsewhere. This week I've been searching for the most useful tattoo.  There seems to be alot of ruler tattoos out there, and a lot of science tattoos, but there's not alot of tattoos that do anything.   I put plenty of thought into it, and here's what I've got so far.  

There's a ruler in inches and cm, and sort of free form protractor, (which can also be used to measure pipe diameters, although that's a bit redundant, because it's right next to a ruler) there's also lines for writing and prioritizing n

otes, and a rudimentary RGB/CMYK color wheel. 

 An earlier version had a compass around the dish of the elbow, so you could put water in it, and add a magnetized needle to make an elbow compass, but that was removed on the grounds it wasn't useful enough.  I'm looking to revise and expand, and I've developed some rigid stipulations:

• It can't be any theorems, or reference materials, say like Fahrenheit to Celsius conversions.  With reference materials, it's only handy for a month or two, then you've memorized it, and it's taking up valuable meat space.   
  
• Measurement devices are useful, but the detail is restricted by width of the tattoo needle, and the tendency of the tattoo to distort and diffuse over time.  

Some ideas I don't know enough about to incorporate

• circle of fifths
• star charts
• vital identification information, i.e. blood type, allergies
• camera calibration information
• semi-functional slide rule on there for taking logarithms (Thanks Anon!)
  

Please help!  I want to hear from builders, tattoo artist, graphic designers, fry cooks, anyone that has anything to say, I want to hear it!

EDIT 4/2/09

Here's an Ethernet cable wiring diagram, as requested.  I put them in octagons so they can extend off of the one inch marks, and won't look out of place if more are added later.   The yellow contrasts poorly with the white background, but I expect it would be highly visible on skin.  I will add a diagram incorporating modular elements after I get a few more suggestions.  

I've been emailing Mikey Sklar, who's had a ruler tattoo on his arm for two years

 now.  He is my unwitting de-facto beta tester, and he was goodly enough to give me a few suggestions:

Things I would have done different:

- tattoo goes on non dominant forearm. I am right handed and should have had the tattoo put on my left forearm. That way I can hold tools in my dominant hand and measure with the left.

- consider a additional index finger tattoo in metric and English units. These are good for small measurements in places you cannot get your forearm into.

- two circles for tea spoon / table spoon measurements on non dominant palm.

- during tattooing do not flex your wrist. My ruler goes too close to my wrist and I fidgeted around from the pain. This makes my first inch off unless I recreate the extreme flex my wrist had during the tattoo process. 

I like your pipe sizing idea. Looks useful.

My ink and numbers look good still. I use sun screen on it. I will mail you a photo tomorrow.

As promised, he mailed over a current pic for me.  On the bottom you can see the freshly done tattoo, and on the top, two years later.  It looks to me as if the ink spread enough to make the 1/16th marks nearly indecipherable.  I expect making the different increments with different color inks would keep it more legible after the ink begins to spread, but I'm gonna run that by some body mod forums, and see what they have to say.

Dear Lobster, I am breaking up with you.

I just came across this article over at cbc.ca, "Lobster, the new bologna: campaign", and i have to call bullshit.  Not just any bullshit, "Hot and Smokey Cheddar-Ranch Bullshit, now with grill marks"  Lobster never has been, and never will be, anything like bologna.  In terms of cost and availability, there is no viable grounds for comparison.  The only area in which there are parallels, is popular perception.

I've been told shrimp used to be classy.  It was one of those rich people foods, like caviar.  Than shrimp started showing up at casino buffets in the middle of the dessert, or at sizzler in $9.99 all you can eat specials.  That's a a great deal, because it's a classy food, and very expensive, right?  Not, If your gorging yourself at sizzler, it's not.  The perception that it's a classy food, combined with American love for all you can eat specials has undermined once respectable shrimp.  One could argue that a lobster dinner date generally ends in "happy happy fun time", whereas a shrimp dinner wins you a sloppy hand-job in the backseat of a Buick, if your lucky.  

Sure over the last few decades lobsters been working it's way down the social ladder, with the likes of Olive Garden and Black Angus, but lobster still has a few shreds of dignity left.  To lower it to the status of "composite meat" seems a cruel at best, an act of spite at worst.  If you could select your own bologna from a tank of angry captive Bologna's, and have it boiled alive for your dining pleasure, than I'd say we're on the same playing field.  (See diagram 1A)  

Diagram 1A: A tank of inquisitive bologna's await their uncertain fate.

If lobster were really cheaper than bologna, therein lies the potential to bring about a sea change in the American palette.  Traditional uses for Bologna would be usurped, and replaced by this once classy dish.

• Howard Stern would cease to throw bologna at strippers asses, and instead use lobster.
  
• Skippers would start serving popcorn lobster bites.
• The poor kids would be trading their lobster bisque for Lunchables.
• Turducken would be upgraded (or downgraded) to Lobturducken
• Instead of wrapping greasy foods in bacon, internet superhero's would wrap greasy food in bacon, and then stuff them in a lobster.

I'm not ready to give up on lobster just yet, but mark my words, that day is coming soon.  

High Stakes Pinata Party

Last week I made a flippant remark about drinking Tequilla, and then taping a pinata to a lead pipe. The idea stuck with me, and like a loose tooth, I had to keep poking at it until something happened, or i got bored, or i forgot all about it. It's led me to a minor, yet quickly passing, obsession with pinatas. This week I learned that:

• Somewhere in the world there is, or was, a Meatwad pinata
• I really hate drawing pinatas
• I really REALLY like drawing blood.

(I'm finally getting the hang of this blogger thing, you can click the illustration for a higher res version!)

The Lobster Rage Fist

EDIT: 11/18/09 Welcome KISW People! Yes, I did invent the lobster rage fist, and yes, that is me in the picture. If you've got an instructional diagram suggestion leave it in the comments. Below you will find the original article in it's entirety.

I found this little gem on the interwebs the other night, and it brought about some deep reflection.

At first I was stunned by the sheer absurdity of the situation, then I got to thinking. "Would I ever put myself in such a compromising situation with a crustation?" Sure, I might wear it as a juanty hat, or tape a one to my fist, and chase people in a drunken rage screaming "FEEL THE FURY OF MY LOBSTER FIST", but never, ever, would I consider something with claws and a tenacious will to live, to be a suitable cod-piece. I strongly believe it's a good idea to keep things with claws away from my genitalia. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is a new personal policy.

That being said, it's time for me to get on with taping lobsters to my fists.

1. Beer seemed the best choice for any seafood based shenanigans. It's hard to work up a frothing fury with red wine, and if I had gone with tequila I'm afraid I would have ended up with a pinata taped to a lead pipe. Whiskey is considered an acceptable substitute, but is not recomended.
   
2. Open palm, or closed fist? You decide.
3. I would have to recomend the Maine Lobster, as they have the largest claws of any readily available store bought lobster. This makes them the "most pinchy-est" and therefore the only suitable choice.
4. Initially I planned to use glue rather than tape, but after consulting ThisToThat.com (Advice on just how to glue this to that) I decided the odds were slim I would find a good lobster glue that wasn't going to leave me permanantly scarred, and my lobster meat spoiled. Duct tape seems to be the next best bet.
5. Enjoy!