Snack beard, and the mustache vending machine.

  I went in search of Long John Silvers Lobster bites, and something magical happened.  The first LJS we went to was conjoined with a KFC.  Typically when you fuse seafood and chicken, their powers combined are vastly superior to any one singular restaurant, but not in this case.  The seafood part was shut down, because; "the machine that keeps the fish hot don't work."  Usually this would send me into a seething and frothing salt & vinegar rage, but not today.  There tucked away innocuously in that antiquated, grease encrusted lobby, I discovered, A MUSTACHE VENDING MACHINE.

      That's right, for only fifty cents a go, I could "Look Cool" with a state of the art Burt Reynold-esqe facial toupee.  I was just two paltry coins away from noncommittal facial hair.  I could now posses the respect and glamor afforded only to those brave few men committed enough to groom and maintain their facial topiaries.

I tried growing my own once.  Oh yes, I tried, tried and failed.  Quite simply, I got tired of getting weird shit stuck in my mustache.  The term "soup strainer" is well deserved, that's why I settled on "the Wolverine".  It minimizes "snack beard" while maximizing facial coverage.  Nonetheless, I often find myself with unexpected treats hiding in my beard.  

EDIT 4/10/09: 

I found the mustaches come in a variety of color and styles.  It has also just occurred to me that with a ready supply of mustaches, I have the ability to instantly transform household items from "drab" to "dapper".

The mustache menagerie

Bam! Dapper salt shaker!

Bam! Dapper teapot!