I went in search of Long John Silvers Lobster bites, and something magical happened. The first LJS we went to was conjoined with a KFC. Typically when you fuse seafood and chicken, their powers combined are vastly superior to any one singular restaurant, but not in this case. The seafood part was shut down, because; "the machine that keeps the fish hot don't work." Usually this would send me into a seething and frothing salt & vinegar rage, but not today. There tucked away innocuously in that antiquated, grease encrusted lobby, I discovered, A MUSTACHE VENDING MACHINE.
That's right, for only fifty cents a go, I could "Look Cool" with a state of the art Burt Reynold-esqe facial toupee. I was just two paltry coins away from noncommittal facial hair. I could now posses the respect and glamor afforded only to those brave few men committed enough to groom and maintain their facial topiaries.
I tried growing my own once. Oh yes, I tried, tried and failed. Quite simply, I got tired of getting weird shit stuck in my mustache. The term "soup strainer" is well deserved, that's why I settled on "the Wolverine". It minimizes "snack beard" while maximizing facial coverage. Nonetheless, I often find myself with unexpected treats hiding in my beard.
I found the mustaches come in a variety of color and styles. It has also just occurred to me that with a ready supply of mustaches, I have the ability to instantly transform household items from "drab" to "dapper".
The mustache menagerie
Bam! Dapper salt shaker!
Bam! Dapper teapot!