Friday, November 6, 2009

Captain Morgan Vs. Admiral Nelson - The Final Battle

Captain Morgan vs Admiral Nelson, two rums fight it out to become captain of my heart. For years I've been debauching myself to the sweet taste of Captain Morgan Spiced rum. There was a point in my early 20's when I could recall the capn's back story verbatim from the back of the bottle. (Which is no longer on the bottle, but for those of you who don't remember, he was born to wealthy welsh merchant parents, & left home at a young age to pursue a life of adventure.)
Vodka had been kind to me, Whiskey and I have had some rough times, but the cap'n has never, never steered me wrong, sure, there's been some hijinks, shenanigans, and once he even got me deported, but we were always able to reconcile our differences. Then one day a new challenger appeared on the scene; Admiral Nelson. There was no doubt in my mind the admiral was intended to challenge the capn's spot in my heart as reigning champion of rums.

The bottle was similar, the rich amber color nearly indistinguishable, and more importantly, the mascots were similar, but maintained a stance of indisputable opposition. Yes, the admiral does technically outrank the captain, but that's of little consequence to your average rum drinker. You may notice, the captain has a sweet mustache, whereas the admiral has a jaunty eye patch. Yes, jaunty. If you'll look closely, you'll notice that both the captain and the admiral are wearing not one but TWO CAPES EACH. This makes it tough to call, but the Captain wins by a narrow margin for having racing stripes on his cape, and the good sense not to wear hot pants pirating.

This time the Admiral comes up aces. The captain sells for about $13, whereas the Admiral retails for around $10 on average. At these prices neither one is even close to top shelf, and that $3 i save with the admiral equates to a whole lot of tacos. Never underestimate the value of a taco in the pocket.

A taste test was clearly inappropriate, as I have always considered myself an uncultured savage. I have no taste for fine whiskey or fancy cigars. I don't appreciate a well cooked steak, or a slow-roasted joint of pulled pork. I smoke a pack a day, so now I mainly eat for texture, and most flavors are only a dim memory. Besides, its goddamn rum, and I'm there for the drunk...

The drunk:
The quality of "the drunk" is an abstract concept, and thus difficult to quantify. I decided to settle this the way any real man resolves a deep seated conflict, with a game of battleship. We briefly considered buying an actual battleship game, but we realized with all those little pieces, someone was bound to lose an eye, choke, or start a plastic fire. For safety, we went with I was to represent the Captain, due to our longstanding association. My opponent, would be the Admirals Champion. After the sinking of two ships, things got hazy. The battle was eventful but sloppy, (as alcohol based challenges often are) and I regret to say that little is remembered. The Captain was the victor by a narrow margin, thereby forever sealing his fate as the king of all maritime rums.

The morning after:
After spending a night with both the captain and the admiral, I came to the same conclusion. They both leave you feeling like a bag of crushed assholes, although with the admiral, slightly more so.

Also, a barrel of dicks:
Captain Morgan and a barrel of dicks
(Did you really think I'd spend all that time drawing captain Morgan with no potential for comedic payout?)


  1. I think you missed an important competitor! Sailor Jerry is a formidable opponent, and fits nicely in the reverse quality-goes-up-as-mascot-rank-goes-down heirarchy of rums. And it is of a higher proof than either the Good Captain or the Evil Admiral!

    1. appropiatly, it would be sailor jerry vs. blackheart rum, both have female mascots

  2. personally the cost difference means a whole lot of tacos which helps with the morning after.

  3. I just noticed that the cap'n is wearing a strap-on. Pure gold.

  4. The Cap'n looks way more burly, which I appreciate. But tacos...tacos are good. However, if you offer a bit of Cap'n to folks, they might make you tacos. Another thing in the Cap'n's favor: my first Mardi Gras I saw him on stage with the Enigma, who was for some reason playing the base. No other instruments were being played. It was like 9 in the morning. The Cap'n was handing out beads. So it's an easy choice for me.

    I feel like I should point out that it appears that the Cap'n is only wearing one cape (that flappy top bit is part of the cape.) This does not detract from his cool points as his one cape has massive flair.

    Also, you should proofread. The kind of steak you eat is not spelled "stake."

  5. Come one dude, these drawing are epic! You must do one once a week! Seriously, I can't wait until you are randomly inspired to do one! Might I suggest you incorporate a McGyver's like answer to arming yourself against a sudden zombie outbreak? I think you could make this idea shine.

    -a fan

  6. Hilarious. And well-written. Lovely combo. Though I must admit, I have had many-a-hangover from both, and Cap'n does not make me feel like I am going to kick off from said hangover. It's tolerable. Like herpes. Totally kidding. But seriously...

  7. Lish - if you are going to correct this fun bloggers spelling, then please realize that when speaking of the stringed instrument, it is BASS - not "base." C'mon dude.

  8. Sailor Jerry's is hands down the best of the best when it comes to rum. I'm not even talking about all the hype surrounding Sailor's. It just plain amazing and as the fellow above previoulsy mentioned - higher proof. However this indubitably leads to a massive hangover.

    1. But if you are going to just go by proof, Admiral Nelson also comes in a 101 proof. Mind shattering. Taste-wise, I have not burned my palette out yet (but chili peppers are working even as we speak for this task) and I have to say that there is really not that much to distinguish any of the nautical themed spiced rums. They are all good. I prefer to go either Sailor Jerry because it is cheapest around here for price, Admiral 101 for proof, or Captain for availability.